Rebel Without a Prescription
by Nate-kun
Summary: In a malignant world, where danger lurks behind every corner, an alter-ego and a machine meet under irregular circumstances, and for whatever reason, decide to become freelance police. Enigma .04: In which HE who hoo ha'd becomes hoo ha'd himself.
1. Enigma 01 - Robin

**"Prompt: Dr. Mario and R.O.B as for-hire buddy cops." Ahem, I assure you, that one sounded better in my head. Nevertheless, you're free to continue reading if you please, just be sure to review if that's your intention.**

 **Word Count: 365 words.**

* * *

Enigma .01 - Robin

 _Even among all the extraordinary members of S.T.E.A.M., having an actual sorcerer aboard feels uncanny and off-putting. Intriguingly, Robin firmly rejects this title, saying something about the wrong "class". Somehow I don't think we're using the word in the same way.._

* * *

"Murdered?" he asks, "Are you certain?"

The doctor is analyzing the body, face down and strewn across the floor.

"Yes," Lucina clarifies with a nod. The look on her face exhibited coldness, but there was a subtle pain behind it. It was no doubt a display, and it likely wasn't the first time she had been pushed into assembling a front, "there's no other explanation for it. If.. If only there was something I could have done.."

The bot cranes his head, "Did he by chance have any adversaries, savages who would desire to do him harm?"

Veered away from toxic thoughts, she maintains herself, "None that are still living, I'm afraid. I fear that this may stem from forces beyond our knowledge."

"When did you last encounter him?"

"Last night, I can confirm he retired to his room safely, so it must have occurred in his sleep.. I called as soon as I discovered him, but even so.. "

"Affirmative. Thank you for the account, we'll make sizable use of the data provided." R.O.B. declares with a pre-recorded quote, "Now if you could just step out for the moment, we'll assess the scene on a deeper scale."

"O-Oh!" she gasps, "I understand. Please, take all the time you need, you have my gratitude–the both of you. I wish you only the best of luck, so that you may succeed where I...I've failed."

She exits the room, notably more forlorn than beforehand.

Her leave gives the two time to breathe, and R.O.B. takes the opportunity. He approaches the doctor, "The utter absence of blood is unsettling," he mumbles, "assuming the circumstances, could we be looking at a suffoca-?"

"No. I've done all the work. There's no mystery here. Call her back in."

R.O.B. nearly chokes. The doctor's first words of the hour aren't exactly the most coherent he's ever said.

"E-Excuse me?"

With no apparent regard for manners, Dr. Mario kicks the tactician over on his back, revealing a pleasant babyface and a slowly-rising chest.

"She was influenced by shock and fear, when in reality she should have been scolding him. You see.."

" _Risen... Risen... riding wolves..._ "

" **He's asleep.** "


	2. Enigma 02 - Kirby

**Positive reception has deemed this series continue, enjoy.**

 **Word Count** : **300 words.**

* * *

Enigma .02 - Kirby

 _A puff ball that floats through the sky and boasts a variety of moves._

* * *

" **A lost nose?** "

The doctor raises an eyebrow, typically clientele aren't as direct as that.

"Yup! Can you believe it? The nerve of some people!"

And their requests usually aren't as bizarre, either.

Although known to most as the ideal optimist, childlike chum Kirby has turned to meaner pastures in light of recent events. R.O.B. charts every meticulously detail of his account down, and cringes as it becomes seemingly queerer by the word.

The robot perks up, his sensors focusing on the Dream Land denizen.

"And when precisely did you first make the observation that your proboscis... ahem, was _purloined._ "

The puffball huffs, "That's just it! It happened while I was asleep! I woke up, looked in the mirror, and wow! It was gone, just like that!"

R.O.B. overlooks the garbage that is his report, before calmly taking the doctor and stepping aside.

" _Something briefs me that it is a fool's errand to search for a variable that doesn't exist to begin with._ "

The physician hums, "Well, it's not like we can **_tell_** him that."

"And why would that be?"

"Well. It's rude, first of all."

The robot emits a drone groan, "I happen to prioritize order before emotion. How do you suppose we go about this then?"

The doc offers no words but a blunt hand as he returns to Kirby's side, "Sorry, we can't offer you any help getting your nose back, but I do have an alternative prescription you can take."

"Oh, really? A brand new nose?! Of course, gimme that!"

"Great, here it is: Go track down this guy and tell him that these are doctor's orders. You should be able to know what you need to do from there."

Kirby accepts the prescription, but upon reading it, his face scrunches.

"...Pac-Man?"


	3. Enigma 03 - Alph

**And so, the ride continues.**

 **Word Count** : **320** **words.**

* * *

Enigma .03 - Alph

 _A member of the crew that crash-landed on PNF-404. This young engineer is separated from the rest of his team during landing, but as an engineer, he's just as worried about their ship, the SS Drake. While looking for his crewmates and ship, Alph encounters some strange yet helpful little creatures..._

* * *

"You wish to file a formal complaint?"

"Er, yeah! If that's okay with you guys, I mean."

R.O.B. nonchalantly turns around, pausing at the sight of the doctor and his failing efforts to settle down the flower-toting trio.

"Hm.."

The robot faces the explorer again, burdened by bad impressions.

"...Ahem, this is an agency first and foremost. You should be aware that we're not the type to examine federal matters. Do you perchance have a valid reason for desiring to challenge higher powers? I can't guarantee you'll escape unscathed."

"Well, i-it's nothing too big really, it's just.. it's.."

"Yes? Go on. What is i-"

" _ **I'd like a promotion!**_ "

The Pikmin stop bouncing around and the doc finds himself on the ground, a red one on his head.

"I.. Oh. I'm not entirely certain if we're within the realm of making that a feasibility.. What did you have in mind?"

Alph offers a KopPad to him, detailing sketches and descriptions of subtle differences and changes, alternatives that set him apart from his elder captain.

"My goalpost is Lucas, but I'm okay with being a doctor too!"

R.O.B. hears a scoff behind him, but decides against pursuing it.

"I'd just like a spot, a real one! This case does have murder, and its name is Potential!"

The fine print of their agenda advises against expecting any guaranteed results, and for good reason. Neither of them are miracle workers. Although granted, the doc has accomplished wilder things in the past, be it by skill or dumb luck.

R.O.B. checks in on his partner again to see him reduced to a Pikmin playground.

' _Perhaps dumb luck.._ '

Returning to Alph, R.O.B. hands back his KopPad and makes a decision.

"Consider myself persuaded. We shall explore the possibility at your request. However.."

Alph gulps. A lump in his throat.

"Y-Yes?"

"Rock Pikmin shattering shields is incredibly broken."


	4. Enigma 04 - Diddy Kong

**He hoo ha'd his way into our hearts, and then promptly exited the same way. Do I smell an arc of sorts coming up?**

 **Word Count: 330 words.**

* * *

Enigma .04 - Diddy Kong

 _We had room for one non-Japanese character on the roster, so naturally we decided to pick the acrobatically deformed, anthropomorphic chimpanzee._

* * *

"Oh, oh wow.."

R.O.B. halts in front of the tipped chair, data sensors set on the startling sight before him, "Verily so," he mumbles. "Not once do I recall having ever made acquaintance with such a... polarizing display, to say the least."

The doctor tunes away from his own fixation with a slight frown, "Huh? I was talking about his neck. Look at it! Now _that's_ polarizing! ... Do you think his gene pool was spoiled by giraffes?"

R.O.B. himself is a moment away from positioning the chair upright, only to stop himself. The three laws sometimes have that effect on him, though he doesn't like to admit it.

Regaining face, he lets out a light scoff, "As if I would be privy to such information. As for things I _do_ know, I think it's become quite clear that the disturbance call was right on the money. Quick analysis shows that the victim was known as 'Diddy Kong',"

The physician brings a hand to his chin, feeling a spark of deja vu coming around, "Kong, huh? Any relatives?"

"Er... It would appear the records aren't sure if he's meant to be a nephew, son, or distant cousin.. "

"Hm, then neither am I. Did he leave a note? You know, before he decided to..."

The sight of the chimp, hanging from the ceiling by the tail with a maw full of peanuts, brings an awkward wave of silence to the room.

The robot is quick to speak, now with a slip of paper in hand, "There is in fact a note, not necessarily an archive of regrets and desires mind you, but.. something cryptic altogether. I'm beginning to wonder if this crime scene is really as it appears to be.."

"I'll just be the judge of that!" declares the doctor, who takes the note for himself. However, the words he reads ultimately take the wind out of him.

'S _hould have stayed in the jungle, flowcharter._ '

'- ** _The Nerf Squad_** '


End file.
